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10 Lies
We Think are Love
10 Lies We Think are Love -
by Carol Tuttle, MRET
What is real love?
Real love is an energy that supports us in feeling good. When we
feel genuine self-love and self-worth we experience ourselves as
good enough and capable. There is a reverence and humility that
accompanies this deep knowing that we are valuable just for being
our unique self. Our worth is not dependent on our doings or our
belongings. When genuine self-love and self-worth is present and
alive within us, we attract love and respect from others. We literally
draw to us the energy of love from others. We offer the energy of
love and receive the energy of love. We feel very whole and complete
in this state of being.
Why we need it.
When we are born we are completely dependent on others for our survival
both physically and emotionally. Most of us grew up with our physical
needs being met adequately and emotional needs being met sporadically
or not at all.
We come in to this world with the need to be validated that we are
loveable. We are looking for someone, primarily our parents, to
tell us that we are important, we are loved and cherished and that
we count free of any conditions. Even though our spirit knows we
are loveable, our cognitive physical self needs to hear that. We
are looking to be validated all through our infancy, childhood and
teen years as we move through different developmental stages. If
we were not given that message and our environment caused us to
feel threatened or unsafe, we are still looking to have the message
that we are loveable given to us as adults. We are stuck in patterns
of co-dependency looking for love and validation outside of ourselves.
Why we make it so hard to experience it.
When we were little and love was not as available or predictable
we learned to live without it. We subconsciously created ways of
thinking and behaving that helped us feel safer in what seemed like
a random world. You may have tried different things to get more
love and support you in feeling more loveable. Some of those ways
worked and you did get more attention. To this day you may subconsciously
still be believing that you need these patterns in order to be loveable.
When they didn't work we adapted to limiting beliefs, held at a
deep subconscious level, that tell us we are really not loveable.
We often sabotage the experience we want the most because it is
so unfamiliar and at that deep level we really believe we don't
deserve it, that we are not worth it, or that the love is not real.
The 10 lies we think are love:
1. Food is love
Our bodies require love through appropriate touch. When that need
has not been met we often turn to food to fill us. The root cause
of all addictions is the body's need for attention. Food feels good
to the body. The body will begin to believe food is love and continually
seek it out to get the feeling of sweetness and fullness that the
energy of real love gives us when it is open and flowing in our
being.
2. Sex is love
This can play out in a way that supports people in fearing, hating
and despising sex, or becoming addicted to it. If you were sexually
abused or prematurely affected by sexual experiences, it is common
to have the deeper belief of "I can only be loved for sex."
Sexual encounters can feel abusive and leave you with a feeling
of being used.
Sexual addictions are supported by the bodies need for affection
and it has come through sexual encounters. Again the body needs
touch and support. If you were sexually abused as a child or that
pattern is still alive from generations past, your body may hold
the belief of "my body is bad because it feels good."
It goes through a cycle of feeling starved for love, getting a quick
fix with sex, and then feeling bad for satisfying it's need for
love with sex.
3. Money is love
This pattern can get set up in families with money. When emotional
love is not flowing freely, money is often used as a substitute.
This can set up the siblings as rivals because they subconsciously
know that there is not enough emotional love to go around and they
must vie for mom and dad's money and possessions. Mom and dad's
money and possessions represent the energy of real love that they
have never had. As adults money represents security. Security supports
us in feeling safe. This can also feel like love. The more money
you have, the more safe you feel, the more loved you feel.
4. I have to be sick or ill to be loved
If you were given more attention when you were sick or ill as a
child, you may still believe that you need this pattern to get noticed.
If you were healthy and well you risk the experience of no one caring
about you. Doctors can feel like surrogate parents. They give you
attention, advice, and hopefully encouragement. All the things you
needed as a child. Your sickness may be a way to keep you from living
your life fully or taking responsibility for your life because you
feel incapable and afraid. It is something to fall back on when
you need to escape and want to hide.
5. I have to suffer to get love
People in abusive relationships are creating this pattern and are
not familiar with healthy love and how it operates in a relationship.
If you were beaten, slapped, hit, physically punished in your childhood
or that pattern has been in your family, you may believe that love
is being hurt. You will even sabotage healthy relationships to create
this so you can feel your familiar experience again.
6. I have to fix people to be loved
Many people have a deeper belief that if they are not helping people
get better they have no value. If they have no value, they cannot
be lovable. The problem with this pattern is if you need to fix
sick and dysfunctional people in order to feel loveable, you will
continually attract these people into your life and they will not
get well. You need them to be "unfixable" so you can stay
"loveable."
7. I have to control you to make it safe to let you love me
Control is one of the biggest patterns in relationships. The deeper
belief is "I will control you before you control me."
It is common for two controllers to be together in a relationship
both only seeing the other in the controlling pattern. I have worked
with numerous couples where both are controllers. I will ask them
separately " who do you believe controls the relationship?"
They will always say, the other one does. Blame is a big part of
the controller's experience. Victim energy is at the root of the
pattern. At a deeper level if you still believe you are a victim,
you may use control to create a feeling of safety to prevent yourself
from ever being a victim again.
8. I have to please others to be loved
This pattern is often the other common opposite of a controller
pattern. It is more common for women to play this role in a relationship
with a controlling man. In this pattern the person always is thinking
of other people before they think of themselves. Everything they
think or say is processed with the underlying thought "what
will other's think, what do other's want, what do I have to do or
say to make sure they are happy." Chronic Fatigue and other
energy depletion disorders are common with this pattern.
9. If I let you love me, you will leave me
Abandonment is at the core of this pattern. If you were abandoned
as a child you may fear that the people you love get hurt, die or
go away. In order to prevent this from happening you will not let
a relationship go very far or you will sabotage it first. It is
common to hold the deeper belief "I'll abandon you before you
abandon me" because you are still believing that every relationship
ends in abandonment so you might as well be in control of it. That
way it doesn't hurt as much and it is more predictable.
10. Love hurts, relationships are painful
This belief will only support you in creating unhealthy, painful
relationships. You will continue to attract people that you create
a lot of pain with. You will support your relationships in being
painful in the way you perceive them, think about them and the choices
you make in them. You will go from one relationship to another feeling
victimized and hurt wondering when real love will come your way.
Or you will believe your stuck in a relationship that can never
work and feel you will never be happy.
What we can do to heal these patterns
The first step is to understand that your beliefs create your experience.
So whatever you believe either subconsciously and consciously is
what you are getting in life. If you don't like what you are getting
change your beliefs. Many of these beliefs are at a subconscious
level and are generational beliefs. That means that we come from
a long line of people that have carried the belief and have created
the experience that matches it. Limiting beliefs are also rooted
in our childhood experiences. You have a lot of opportunity to take
control of the phenomenal power of your mind to release these old
beliefs and create new ones. If you are really stuck I recommend
a tool like Rapid Eye Technology that releases the energy that supports
these old beliefs and patterns staying in place.
Look at your relationship experiences and notice what you keep experiencing.
What keeps getting recreated in your life. This will tell you a
lot about what relationship beliefs you hold. Change your relationships
by changing your beliefs. I recommend my book Remembering Wholeness:
A Personal Handbook for Thriving in the 21st Century to help you
with this.
Healing the lies so we can love ourselves and be loved
Everyone carries limiting beliefs and patterns that they came to
clear. In clearing these energies we heal the lies that we thought
were truth about ourselves. We thought they were true because we
kept having the experiences that made us think "this keeps
happening to me so it must be true!" As you change your belief,
you change your life, and understand now that you can create whatever
you want.
I believe that God set in place within each of us the real energy
of love. It is a powerful energy just waiting to be awakened. Another
person cannot awaken it. Only you hold the key to the energy of
real love inside of you. As you open and honor this energy by loving
yourself, forgiving yourself and being kind and patient with yourself,
you are then free to receive the real love others have to offer
you. If you are a controller and/or a blamer, the first step for
you is to take accountability for your life and own your life creation.
No one can create your life but you. God wants to co-create a life
of joy, wellness and prosperity with you. He cannot do it for you,
only with you. Chose now to create healthy loving, honest relationships
that add value to your life. Be willing to end any relationships
that cannot be healthy. Hold as your motto or mantra, "I am
worthy of real love. I deserve to be loved and admired by a healthy
loving person. I am attracting people that can and want to create
healthy loving relationship with me. I am ending relationships that
cannot be healthy. God loves me and I love myself."
Carol Tuttle is the author of Remembering Wholeness, A Personal
Handbook for Thriving in the 21st Century. She has assisted thousands
in healing their lives through her writings and work as a Master
Rapid Eye Therapist.
http://www.caroltuttle.com
[email protected]
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